I was told that my mom is miserable because of me, how she hates being home because my father is a horrid man; she hates work because she is tired. I’m told I’m disrespectful, a liar, and a bad person. Tonight’s one of those nights where I want to disappear. I want to disappear but I also want to be alive. Those two words, alive and disappear, are two separate words with two separate meanings that conflict. These two words make up my conscious and my subconscious mind. If I make everyone so miserable, why didn’t they just let me go the first time… the second time…. the third time… the fourth time? They said they wouldn’t let me go because their lives were good with me in it, but then they change their minds with a snap of your fingers. I know people are going to read this and think I’m ignorant and stupid, but you really have to come experience what I do to understand this feeling. I know parents “love” their children, or should love them, and I’m not saying my parents don’t in their own way but what they do to my emotions and my sanity makes me want to scream, kick, punch, spit, run and hide. I’m trying to recover my sanity from when I lost it years ago and even though I’m taking the steps, getting the help, keeping up a great GPA and working it’s never enough. If my mom is so miserable then she should leave… What am I supposed to say to her? I’ve always told her to leave my dad, even when I was a child because I knew who he would be and how he would treat us. I had my eyes open when I was a kid, I soaked everything in. She never wanted to leave, “It’s for the kids,” that’s what she would say. Guess what, your daughter told you to leave continuously and you never did. I dislike him too, even more then my mom. I’m just so confused……
(Source: armlessbear, via justthelittlethings100)
